Beautiful Disaster
by jasmineice
Summary: Death, life, decisions, heartache, love, lust, the ride of a lifetime. What happens when Tommy's grief causes him to make the biggest and most impulsive decision of his life? I started this a looong time ago, so it takes place after SISOSIG
1. The Pain I Kept Inside

_He drowns in his dreams_

_An exquisite extreme I know_

_He's as damned as he seems_

_And more heaven than a heart could hold _

_And if I try to save him_

_My whole world could cave in _

_it just ain't right, it just ain't right_

_Oh and i don't know _

_I don't know what he's after _

_But he's so beautiful _

_He's such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on _

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_He's magic and myth _

_As strong as what I believe_

_A tragedy with _

_More damage than a soul should see_

_And do I try to change him _

_So hard not to blame him _

_Hold on tight, hold on tight_

_Oh and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful _

_Such a beautiful disaster _

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_I'm longing for love and the logical_

_But he's only happy hysterical _

_I'm waiting for some kind of miracle _

_Waited so long .So long_

_He's soft to the touch _

_But frayed at the end he breaks_

_He's never enough_

_And still he's more than I can take _

_Oh cause I don't know _

_I don't know what he's after _

_But he's so beautiful_

_He's such a beautiful disaster _

_And if I could hold on _

_Through the tears and the laughter _

_Would it be beautiful? _

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_He's beautiful _

_He's such a beautiful disaster..._

Jude's voice trails off as she finishes her song, the last words dripping from lips melodically before she nods in approval, deciding she's happy with the finished work. The soft sound of applause fills the air and she quickly looks up, her eyes falling on Tommy who is leaning against the wall, watching her with wonder in his eyes. A familiar tension fills the room.

"Great song Jude," Tommy comments his voice barely above a whisper. "Was it about me?"

Jude scoffs, sliding her guitar off over her head. "Could your ego be bigger?"

"So who's it about?"

"You," Jude admits reluctantly. "But you shouldn't automatically assume it." Tommys only answer is a slight shrug of his shoulders, earning an eye roll from jude. "Look I don't have time for this Quincey, i have to go."

"hot date?" Tommy inquires curiously.

"If you must know, Jamie's taking me out"

Tommy laughs, mostly to himself. "Forget the hot part. When are you gonna get over him?"

"What is your problem?" Jude demands. "Ever since you got back from Europe you've been different."

"Different how?"

"You've been an ass. Did something happen?"

_'Did something happen? How am i supposed to answer that?'_ Tommy thinks to himself, not quite able to form a coherent enough thought to actually tell her whats going on. Finally he settles on the cowards way out.

"You should go Jude," he says softly. "Jamies waiting."

"Tommy, you know you can tell me anything right?" Jude asks.

"Theres nothing to tell," Tommy assures her.

Jude doesnt look so convinced, but decides to believe if something was serious enough, Tommy would confide in her. With a nod and a quiet goodbye Jude walks out. Only seconds after she disappears behind the corner Tommy takes his head and bangs it against the wall behind him.

_'I can't tell her'_

Jude manages to have a relatively good night. Out on the town, being entertained by her boyfriend, what more could a girl ask for? But as soon as she walks through her front door her thoughts immediately drift back to Tommy. With a heavy sigh she plops down on the couch.

"You're late," Sadie informs her sister from her seat at the other end of the couch. Jude just shrugs. "Whats with you?" Sadie inquires.

"Sades did anything happen in Europe?"

"No, unfortunately" comes the blondes muttered reply.

"I mean something that would upset Tommy," Jude clarifies, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at the insinuation she has any interest in her sisters sex life.

"well, he did get this phone call..." Sadie responds, a thoughtful look on her face. "He was a little off after that. Why?"

"I'm worried about him."

"Tommy can take care of himself Jude, worrying won't help anyone."

"Whatever," Jude replies with a shrug. "Maybe you're right. In any case I'm going to bed. 'night sadie."

The next day at the studio, Tommy and Kwest are waiting for Jude to show up. Kwest glances over at his friend, taking note of his far off expression. He decides to bring the one topic he knows Tommy doesn't want to talk about, but should.

"So, did you tell her?" Kwest asks

"Nope"

"Are you planning to?"

"Nope"

"You know, she'll probably understand," Kwest says.

Tommy shakes his head and turns to face him. "How could she possibly understand?"

"Because, she gets you," Kwest says, sending his friend a 'You Know I'm Right' look.

"She'll pity me," Tommy says in a low voice. "I don't want her pity." He shoots a meaningful look at Kwest. "Or yours."

"Well I'm sorry but your pretty damn pitiable right now." Kwest states.

"I'm fine"

"Man i haven't even seen you get upset."

"What do you want me to do?" Tommy asks. "Cry? Throw things?"

"If it helps."

"IT WON'T!"

The studio falls silent as Tommy's outburst rings through the halls. Kwest puts a brotherly hand on Tommy's shoulder in a futile attempt to comfort him. Tommys only response is to drop his head into his shaking hands, steadying himself as Jude walks through the door.

"Everything ok?" Jude asks, looking from Kwest to Tommy.

"Yeah," Tommy answers weakly. "Let's just get to work, you have a song to record."

Jude nods and goes behind the glass. She slips the headphones over her ears and waits for the signal from Tommy to begin singing.

_He drowns in his dreams_

_An exquisite extreme i know_

_He's as damned as her seems _

_And more heaven than a heart could hold _

_And if I try to save him_

_My whole world could cave in..._

Tommy shakes his head and throws off his headphones. "I can't do this," he states, tears on his voice as he gets up and walks out of the studio. Kwest looks after him and shakes his head before turning and meeting Jude's furrow-browed gaze.

"Is he ok?" Jude asks, concern evident in her voice.

"Maybe you should go talk to him," Kwest suggests into the intercom.

"He doesn't want to talk to me."

"Jude," Kwest says softly, seriousness and worry playing a powerful role in his expression. "He needs you."

Something about Kwest's tone, or the connection to Tommy's behavior the last few weeks causes Jude to nod in agreement and throw off her headphones, running out to confront or console Tommy, whichever the situation would call for.


	2. I Won't Feel Sorry for You

Hey thank you guys so much for the comments! I was expecting like, 3, not 12. I really, really appreciate it. Special thanks to Cyndi, you pretty much made me cry. Love you girl. I realize I forgot to put this in my last post so here is a little background. This takes place after Should I Stay or Should I Go. I realize that's major backtrack but I started this back in November, so its old. Jamie and Jude are still together as are Tommy and Sadie. And Georgia and EJ still run G-Major. I originally posted this on the-n but the site crossed the line with me and I left. So, here I am, presenting it to the fickle masses. I'll try to post every day, no promises though. Those of you from the-n wondering when ill be posting Because of You, it probably won't be until I get all the way through this one. It wouldn't make much sense to post the sequel before I finish the original now would it? Anyway thanks everyone SOOOO much for the support, keep reading and keep commenting . Your comments keep me going. BTW the hurricane in reference is Hurricane Katrina.

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"Where is she going?" Georgia asks Kwest, seeing Jude walk out.

"To talk to Tommy," Kwest replies simply.

"What's going on?" Georgia asks, the motherly concern she always has towards Tommy and Jude etching fine lines across her brow.

"I can't tell you. But I'm pretty sure Jude can handle it."

"She better. We have a lot of work to do for this album."

"Trust me G, this is important."

Satisfied with his answer, Georgia nods and walks out. Kwest leans back in his chair, letting out a deep sigh and mentally willing Tommy to open up.

_'c'mon T'_ Kwest thinks. _'Suck it up and tell her.'_

The cool wind whips Jude's face as she walks out of G-Major. Her eyes rest on a figure sitting on a nearby bench, hunched over with his hands clasped tightly in front of him. With a cautious heart Jude walks over, taking a seat beside him. Tommy doesn't look up, and for the first time Jude's eyes rest on the unlit cigarette in his hands. Her head moves back and forth in an almost mournful disapproval, but she doesn't voice that opinion to Tommy.

"I didn't know you smoked," Jude comments, trying to get him to at least acknowledge her presence. A small shrug passes across Tommy's shoulder.

"I did when I was younger," he says, still not looking up to meet her eyes.

"And your starting again?" Jude asks.

"Thinking about it."

The silence sets back in and Jude lets out a heavy sigh, deciding that beating around the bush wont get her anywhere.

"Tommy what happened?" She asks bluntly. "All Sadie told me was you got a call-"

"You shouldn't be asking Sadie about me," Tommy says sharply, cutting her off.

"Well I'm sorry but I'm concerned."

"Don't be, please," he begs her, the wounded puppy dog look he has become so famous for crossing his features as he finally meets her eyes.

"Does Sadie even know?" Jude asks.

Tommy shakes his head. "Only Kwest."

"Do you not trust me?"

"Of course I trust you," Tommy answers quickly. "I just don't want you to feel sorry for me."

"Tommy, please," Jude pleads with him, a wounded look of her own meeting his. Tommy draws a shaky breath, then caves.

"Alright," he begins. "Did I ever tell you about my sister?"

"Sophie? Yea, why?"

"Well she lived in New Orleans," Tommy says, his voice catching. "And when she didn't call, I started to worry about her. But I figured she just couldn't get to a phone…" Tommy is to the point of tears now. Jude rests a supportive hand on his shoulder, knowing the comfort it offers is insufficient to the comfort he needs.

"Is she…is she ok?" Jude asks, though deep in her pit she knows the answer.

Tommy's reply comes out quietly, but not so quiet he can't be heard. "They found her body a few weeks ago."

"Tommy…" Jude begins, at a loss for words.

"See!" Tommy all but yells. "You feel sorry for me."

"Of course I do!" Jude matches his tone. "Tommy you lost your sister"

"A lot of people died in that hurricane. It wasn't just her."

"I know but-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jude looks down, sighing with defeat. "Are you ok?" She asks.

"Yea," is the muttered reply. To this Jude shakes her head.

"Then why did you just storm out of the studio?"

"I don't know," Tommy responds, his voice cracking. Jude shakes her head again and gently rests her head on his shoulder, looking up at him.

"I'm not going to talk and I'm not going to feel sorry for you, I promise. Just let me sit here with you."

The only reply is an absent nod from Tommy, who is staring off into space, trying to keep himself under check in light of his confession. Though a lecture on how unhealthy it is to bottle up your feelings rises in her throat, Jude swallows it, knowing its not what he needs and also knowing it would make her a hypocrite, since at this moment she's bottling up as much as he is. She squeezes her eyes shut tightly as she sits holding onto his arm, forcing herself not to cry, forcing herself to stay strong for the broken man beside her. It's a futile battle though, for even if Jude can keep the tears from streaming down her cheeks she can't stop her heart from screaming out in pain for the man she cares about so much. In their close proximity Jude can feel Tommy's muscles tense, and she knows he's still fighting back his own emotion. After a few minutes of silence, just reveling in each others warmth and comfort, Kwest comes out in search of the pair.

"Hey guys," he says quietly, not really wanting to ruin the moment. "Georgia's looking for you."

Tommy nods numbly and Jude releases his arm, allowing him to get up so they can head back into the studio. As they walk that same arm finds its way around her shoulders, keeping her close for the few moments before they have to return to work. Before they part to go their separate ways, he leans down and whispers softly in her ear, "Thank you."

**oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

After work, Jamie picks Jude up. The ride home is in silence, Jude completely absorbed in her own thoughts about the days events. Finally Jamie speaks.

"You ok?" he asks glancing over at her.

"Just had a long day" Jude mumbles, not entirely breaking out of her thoughts.

"Well, I hate to add to your problems…"

Jude looks over at him with pleading eyes. "Then please don't."

"I have to," he sighs. Jude reluctantly nods, prodding him to continue. "We haven't really talked about, "us", since you got back from tour."

"We haven't?"

"No"

"Well we've been like, going out haven't we?"

"We've been hanging out, there's a difference."

Jude sighs. "Jamie I really can't take this tonight."

"It's a simple question Jude, are we together?"

Jude looks out the window, once again submerging herself in thought. A million things race through her mind. Tommy confiding in her, trusting her…Tommy is her best friend. Who happens to be dating her sister. Who happened to have broken her heart twice in the past year. Tommy might be her world, but Jamie would never hurt her.

"Still waiting," Jamie informs her.

Jude nods. "Yea, I guess we are."


	3. Come With Me

**WOW! Major commentage. Thank you guys, I'm not worthy. BTW pleeeeeeeease check out my friends ff So Long Sweet Summer. She's an AMAZING writer but she needs readers so go check it out. And I have another new (ok, another OLD but its new to the site) story up called Blondes Have More Fun, so check that out as well. Alright I'm sure your sick of listening to my ramblings so onward with the update!**

* * *

Jude walks into her house, having mixed feelings over her conversation with Jamie. Sure, it's great to have that fresh in a relationship, 'oh my god I can't believe this is happening' emotional rollercoaster that makes you feel like your walking on air. But on the other hand, this probably couldn't have come around at a worse time. Right now Jude feels like her main focus should be on Tommy. Now, Tommy is by no means a child that needs to be watched over, but he is grieving, and he does have a tendency to be impulsive when he doesn't have complete control over his emotions. Jude feels it is her obligation as his friend to be there for him, not wrapped up in her own pathetic love life. But Kwest could watch Tommy's back, why did she need to be so involved? When did things get so complicated? Growing increasingly dizzy by her own thoughts Jude almost fails to see Tommy and Sadie sitting on the couch, just watching T.V.. His hand is resting casually on her leg and she's leaning against his arm, the picture perfect couple just enjoying each other's company. The sight makes Jude feel sick to her stomach.

"Hey," Jude says as she walks past them on her way to the kitchen.

"Jude," Tommy says in surprise, obviously not having noticed her before. "Uh, can I talk to you for a minute? In the kitchen?"

"Sure," Jude answers with a shrug, heading out of the room. Tommy quickly tells Sadie he'll be right back before getting up to follow her.

"So what's up?" Jude asks as Tommy walks in, a sudden serious clouding his face.

"My, uh…" Tommy fumbles slightly, trying to verbalize what he has to say. "My mom called me. Sophie's funeral is next week."

Jude says nothing. In all reality, what could she say? Her disgust from his previous position with her sister vanishes and she rests a comforting hand on Tommy's shoulder. He pays her a grateful smile then continues.

"I was…sort of wondering if you could come with me," Tommy says with the demeanor of a teenage boy asking the head cheerleader to prom. Jude's eyebrows raise only slightly.

"What about Sadie?" she feels the obligation to ask.

"I haven't told Sadie," Tommy admits. "I don't think I'm going to."

"She's your girlfriend."

"I just think this might be a little heavy for her. Listen, Kwest will be there, but I'd just feel better if-"

"Of course I'll come," Jude cuts him off. He flashes her a small, grateful smile as she envelopes him in a hug.

"Thank you," he whispers into her hair. He squeezes her tight against him before letting her go. "Sadie's waiting for me…"

"Go, be the boyfriend. It's late I'm gonna go to bed." With that she kisses him on the cheek and walks off. Tommy rejoins Sadie on the couch in the other room.

"What was that all about?" Sadie asks, staring up at him through crystal blue eyes laced with curiosity towards his private conversation with her sister and ignorance towards the pain he's hiding from her.

"Just something Georgia wanted me to tell her, about her new song," Tommy lies through his teeth. Satisfied with the answer, Sadie glances over her shoulder to make sure Jude's gone upstairs then cups Tommy's face in her hands, greedily bringing her lips to his. He kisses her back, though he's running on auto-pilot, his mind a million miles away. Sadie senses his detachment and pulls away.

"You ok?" she asks, gently combing her fingers through his hair.

"Yea," Tommy answers. "Just a little tired. I think maybe I should get going."

"Back to your place?" Sadie asks.

"Yea…"

"I could come with you," Sadie offers in a low, seductive voice, her nails scraping lightly on the inseam of his jeans. He grabs her wrist and shakes his head.

"That's not a good idea."

"Why not? Come on Tommy, what are you afraid of?"

"What your sister would do to me if she found out."

"We've been going out for 3 months, do you honestly think she cares?" Sadie asks.

Tommy shakes his head and sighs. "I don't want her to think it's just because…"

"Just because what?" Sadie's brow furrows in confusion.

"Nothing," Tommy says with another shake of the head. "It's nothing…let's just go."

With a smile of contentment Sadie grabs her coat and follows Tommy out to his viper.

The next day, Tommy is mixing in the studio with Kwest, and Kwest can't help but notice he's being abnormally quiet. Thoughts race in patterns without rhyme or reason through Tommy's night. The lingering nagging of loss the past few weeks, his inability to trust his girlfriend, his ability to trust Jude, last night with Sadie…all these thoughts whirlwind through his mind making it almost impossible for him to keep focused on the soundboard in front of him. Kwest waves a hand in front of Tommy's face until he finally snaps out of his trance, turning to his friend with full attention.

"You ok man?" Kwest asks. Tommy just nods dryly. "You're quiet," Kwest presses on.

"Nothing to say," Tommy states simply before turning back to the soundboard.

"Ok…" Kwest trails off, giving him a sideways look before following suit and returning to work.

"Kwest?" Tommy says cautiously after a few moments pass.

"Yea?"

"Sadie spent the night at my place."

Kwest stops everything he's doing and turns to his friend. "You have my attention."

"It just sort of…happened," Tommy explained.

"She's 18 Tom, she's naive, she's expecting a lot more than your gonna be able to give her."

"I know all of this," Tommy says bitterly.

"Can I ask you one thing?"

"If you must."

"You spend the entire summer in Europe with this girl, alone, unsupervised, and nothing happens. But as soon as your back home with the entire country watching you-"

"I don't need this. I'm an idiot, I know, can we leave it at that?"

Kwest just shakes his head and lets out a small laugh. "Man if Jude fights out-"

He doesn't get a chance to finish the statement before the angry sound of a studio door slamming behind them causes both men to turn around quickly.


	4. Author's Note

Hey, peeps listen up my computer is down so I don't know when I'll be posting again. Sooooo sorry. I'll be back as soon as I can. Love you guys!


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